Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
Randomize
