Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
You use your abs way more than I realized. Btw multiple orgasms is the best thing I've ever discovered.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Randomize
