dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
