Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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