this beer tastes like vomit already
Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
