Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Randomize
