I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
i think of them as a grilled chicken salad and a fried chicken biscuit. obviously Amy is better for me, but when i'm eating her all i can think about is how much better the blonde must taste.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
