He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
