Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
on a scale of 1-10how much freaking out is acceptable if you just found a (possibly used) cock ring in the head board that your parents gave you?
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
