Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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