so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
My cat gives me a boner
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
just a question.. totally understand if you dont know what im talking about.. but.. do you have my funnel? i think i tucked it in to your bed last night.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
