I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
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