watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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