I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
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