I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
