1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
Its like we are women, and boise state is a gangster rap song. This game is degrading
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
