note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
