T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
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