You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.
You need to find a taint.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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