why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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