I'm pants shitting drunk right now
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
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