yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize