apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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