dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
Randomize
