you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
So everything was good he was big spoon I was little spoon and then I got peed on
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Randomize
