I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
this is never going to happen for me, I think he thinks I'm crazy
well you did scream "PLEASE! I'LL S YOUR D IN FRONT OF EVERYONE"
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Honestly, I've had enough of his asshole to last me the new year.
Please tell me you're talking about his personality.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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