Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
She made Precious look like a solid 6.5.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
Randomize
