you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
They're calling for 20 inches of snow but I'll have a dirtbike for emergency trips to the liquor store. Even if I crash it won't hurt.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
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