there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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