DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
