um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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