My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
3 different guys in my psych class know me as 3 different names and said hi to me with all 3 different names-Andrea, Grace, and Bella
I've never been more proud of you
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
