After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
