so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
