false alarm. still invincible.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Randomize
