guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I have a gay crossdressing neighbor that's dresses up as a slutty pirate. 6 beers from now I would have hit on him. I hate halloween.
I partied with 2 slutty ninja turtles from Sweden last night, I Love Halloween.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
I went next door to get a can opener from them. They opened the door shirtless, asked me if I wanted to a smoke a joint with them. Then decided to make blueberry smoothies. But the yogurt in the blender & the berries, got confused when the berries blended into the yogurt and just kept adding more. Only stopped when we ran out of berries.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
