Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Randomize
