If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
We could probably bang our way to enlightenment. However acid helps.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
