nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
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