I'm afraid that if I tell my sister I think Zachary Quinto is gay I'll have to put her on suicide watch for the next week or so
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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