so last night was fun and all.. but you might want to get tested
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Wingman of the year award. I made out with her gay roommate in order for you to get laid. Better have been good.
The gay roommate was probably better than her. Consider yourself lucky.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
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