how drunk was i? i pretended i was getting a blowjob from a fuckin dolphin in front of my dad. thats how drunk i was.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
i didnt have any regrets until i found out he was a freshman.... and the only reason he got into yale was because of soccer... and he wasnt premed.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
i got drunk and started dancing with the plant because you were out of town
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
