Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
is it wrong to hook up with someone at a memorial drum circle
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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