Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
You just kept walking around in a circle saying "well played 6th street well played" before falling over.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Randomize
