yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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