I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
Woke up this morning with Nerf Bullets stuck to everything in my house and nut in my belly button. What exactly happened last night?
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
Randomize
