she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
Let's go free Charlie Sheen and party with him
NASCAR RACE 2010 NO REGRETZZZ!!!
It is literally 8 in the morning.
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Randomize
