3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
It's surprise blowjob week. You should be excited.
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
I fucked him on my yoga mat. Then we wake and baked and ate granola. So yes, you could say I found my center.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
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