and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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