he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
The only thing I have to prove last night happened is a fireman's hat full of puke.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
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