Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
